Act Of kindness
3e I am going to recount all the stressors in the following incidents to my best recollection I am having a hard time concentrating to do this and feel very irritable and stressed out. I know I need to write it down and even feel more weak because I am having issues with my life and how I have handled things. I feel I am a substandard soldier for not being strong enough to handle myself. I was deployed to Shank Afghanistan In June of 2010 and was there until feb 2011. The first night In shank some enemy fghters broke through our gate and we were under fire.
Several soldiers were wounded and one bled out. He had crawled into a bunker and it was dark When they found him it was too late. There were rockets going off everywhere as they fired on our base. It wasnt a huge base so you could hear screams and yells a lot from wounded guys a lot. They would call for a type of blood on emergency to save a life. I was assigned to the avaition unit and I was crew chief and we were doing air assaults with chinook helicopters where we were working directly with seals outside the wire inserting them every night on missions for high profile targets.
I felt in danger everyday from rocket attacks and often would ave to hide in bunkers until the rocket attacks stopped. One night two naw seals were killed on a mission outside the wire. One was hit in his breast plate and the bullet penetrated and he died shortly the other hit in the shoulder and bled out and lived a little longer. We were taking fire on this mission and returned to base immediately to save these lives. I can remember having to take up floor panels to clean up the bood. That night in my room I cried a lot knowing these guys family didnt even know they were dead and I did.
Just hours before they were alive and the shock of there deaths affected me. I had never been this close to war where I was in direct contact with the enemy on a daily basis and feared for my life daily. I couldnt sleep. I Just layed awake most of the time like I was a zombie. I was eventually given risperidol for insomnia and depression and anxiety. Another mission I cant get out of my head we were picking up seals at a location and came under fire. I could see tracers going past my goggles as I was trying to load seals and prisoners. The seals were in contact firing back and One guy slipped.
I bent down to help him and slid outside the helicopter. I Just knew for sure I would get hit ny minute from a round. The last guy was in and the pilots started to take off. I had undone my 5k strap to help out and the helicopter started to take off. I almost didnt make it in the aircraft. I have dreams of me falling all the time and getting torn apart from enemy guys. I have seen so much footage of death and mutulation from this war and others I have graffic pictures I cant seem to shake. My mind races back and forth from one incident to the other as I try to sleep and cant.
I felt horrer and so much pressure and adrenaline in my chest during these encounters. I can still emember it like it was yesterday. night not far from incoming enemy. It was cold and we were without food for 24 hours. I felt stressed and anxious to get going. We had to have a aft transmission replaced In the field. We had a security team come in to surround us but were told 1 50 enemy fghters were headed our way. We finally got out at daybreak and returned to base. I felt frozen and knumb. Even though I hadnt had sleep I couldnt fall asleep. I Just laid awake hearing rockets going off all around. I never felt safe there at all.
Everyday there were fallen soldiers or dead enemy. I dont remember doing a mission where we didnt have contact with the enemy and had to kill enemy. Being a crew chief inserting Navvy Seals put us in harms way daily. Another incident where I feared for my life a rocket detonated so close to my tent the concussion blew my pictures off my wall. I couldnt hear at all for a few minutes and as I stepped out one of our supply soldiers had blood running out of his ears and another had been blown 20 feet in the air and shattered his knee. We were told to report serious injuries but I didnt feel my hearing was that bad.
My hearing was coming back. I was in shock for a while and felt anger and anxiety. This place was gettiing to me. It wasnt long after that I had my weapon taken away for depression and suicide thoughts and put on risperidol for sleep and anxiety depression. I felt so screwed up at this point. My home life was crap,l had no support and my world started to come apart. I could no longer keep it together. I was removed from flying duty and told I had ptsd symptoms. On a mission right after the seals died there comrades were out for revenge and they went after this group of guys that killed there guys.
They woke up one of the enemy nd shot him right in front of his kid and were bragging about it like it was cool. I hated war and killing I mean who are we to decide life and death. I often think of how that kid turned out. I lost my dad at 8 years old and cant imagine watching someone blow my dads head off in front of me. Maybe I wasnt meant to be a soldier. I can understand defending yourself or a country but this war hasnt been about that to me and I feel my time there was unnecessary. I am trying to find the worth in my military service and I cant. I loved wearing a uniform but I dont feel I deserved it.
I wanted to stand for good things and do good things but I hear so many americans say negative things about these wars its hard to understand what we were doing there and are doing there when our country has many that suffer also. One last issue I had a best friend SSG Tane Baum was killed in action in acft 200 and we flew together for several years before his helicopter was hit by an rpg in flight and total loss of crew. I flew on that acft a lot with him. I was a pall bearer at his funeral another soldier on that flight and attended the funeral for another member of my unit Adrian Stump.
When Tane was killed it ripped me apart. I had lost a brother to suicide and tane was the only close friend I had. I dont make friends well and keep to myself mostly. I fear everytime I get close to someone they will die. My current wife has been a great support to me but I feel she deserves better. I feel I am a wreck of a person. 7cont. I have anxiety and depression issues. Emotional issuesguilt, feel worthless a lot. I have a hard time in public and get lbs and anxiety if I have to leave my house. I get startled easily and loud noises unexpected freak me out and makes me emotional.
I have a very low stress tolerance and I cant handle kids or noise. I have to be in a low key environment. I am currenty unemployed and seeking help for sleep,anxiety,depression issues. I want to get back to where I was when I could deal with stress. I used to love stress and needed a certain amount to function. It made me feel like I was a man and going somewhere. ‘ am afraid I will lose this marriage too. I pray I can get my head straight before I lose my wife. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have anger issues and hurt my son several years ago. t was hen I knew I had a problem. I over react to things way to much and am on edge. I sleep next to my gun and dont feel safe unless all doors and gates locked to my property. Even then I dont sleep and freak out at the smallest noises. I have nightmares a lot of combat and cant get these things off my mind. I have drank very heavy this year and am trying to stop this as it doesnt help me sleep to pass out. I just wake up at 4am anyway and have to get up. I have obsessive behaviors such as thinking if I check the locks I have to do it again and again.
I feel overwhelmed with y issues. ‘ get panic attacks a lot when startled or surprised. ‘ have issues with my faith and dont trust god anymore. I dont undertand how god lets war happen and other horrible things. I am trying to get my faith back and not be angry at god for my life. I am currently concerned with my short term memory loss. My doctor says its from sleep deprovation. I have been having memory issues more and more this past year with my short term memory. Health wise I have had diarrea and intestinal issues since I returned from afghanistan.
The doctors there told me it was a normal reaction rom doxycyclean. My lbs and stomach is a daily battle with foods I eat. I feel fatigued a lot like I am sixty years old and am only fourty years of age. I get low grade fevers a lot and no explaniation. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome several years ago with a lot of testing done for knumbness in my face on right side of face and body Pain behind my right eye and loss of vision in that eye as well. These are unexplained to me as of now. My right eye gets inflamed at times and waters when I get pain in it. I have headaches a lot as well.